If you have ever been in love,
exposed your heart to the one for whom you have proclaimed your love, and eventually disrupted that love due to events and influences from your past, then this is probably about you.
No matter how much you care for someone, or how good your intentions are toward that particular someone, if you are not happy with yourself, chances are, you will not be able to make that person happy either. No amount of money, no amount of time, no action or reaction, no explanation or demonstration of dedication for that someone can ever reassure him or her of your truest love once the bond has been broken.
The only hope for any reconciliation is to find a way to start over, if at all possible. And the only way that this could be possible is if both parties agree that there is something in each of them that the other sees that is worth holding on to. Anything. Any positive attribute that the other has that made you smile, that made you feel good about yourself, that brightened your day when all else seemed gloomy. Anything about him or her that said "I truly care", or "I know I will make you happiest one day, if only I could...", or even "I'm sorry I am not perfect, but today I will..."
But it all starts with finding happiness within yourself. How is this accomplished? How do you go from losing someone you love to finding a love within yourself, for yourself, when you feel like you are by yourself?
You don't. The two are not really contingent upon eachother. Not in that order, at least.
To find happiness within yourself because you failed to relay happiness to another cannot be done. Your happiness cannot, and should not, be sought out for rectifying means. It should be sought out to satisfy one of the greatest human attributes in existence: self-gratification. Find happiness within yourself before you attempt to relay happiness to another.
The happiness I speak of
can come in so many different forms. Mine is mostly writing. All my thoughts, emotions, frustrations, curiosities, and experiences can finally be released with ease through the stroke of a pen or the tap on a keyboard. Burdens become lighter when I express myself in my writings. Barriers become weaker, hurdles become smaller, and my troubles appear to be more distant when I get engulfed in this relaxing mood and start jotting down what I feel, whether positive or negative. After all, the present moment is temporal. If it is a negative emotion I am experiencing right now, what's next? No one knows, so why not express it now and move on. To hold on to it will only restrict my growth and I will most likely miss out on what is to pass my way in the next temporal moment.
Yet, I feel I have digressed. Forgive me.
After feeling lonely for so long when
I didn't know the difference, and in fact was only alone, I met that special someone. To me, she was what I was missing in my life. I felt a happiness I hadn't known in almost seven years. It was also a happiness I should have looked for from within first, but I was absolutely smitten by this beautiful person; she has a charming personality, strong demeanor, childish sense of humor, and an innocent curiosity of all things around her.
Because of this wonderful spirit, I blow two kisses at a red bird when it flies by for good luck. Because of this magical spirit, I am reminded of her any time I see a full moon, because she is a goddess. Because of this soothing spirit, I walk in the rain, because I am reminded how she told me that the raindrops were blessings from heaven and we should allow ourselves to be covered in blessings.
How could I not love her? Fact is, I didn't love myself. I looked back into my past too often, and I started to related similar present situations with past experiences. Ironically, this action in turn caused her to constantly look to her past as well, comparing similar circumstances and anticipating the worst to come based on those past experiences.
One thing led to another, and eventually, the love died. More so on her behalf than mine. Or at least, that is what she portrayed it to be. I continued for a while to try and "make up" for my stupidity, for my stubborness, for my insecurities. Even after I realized what I had done, and all the attempts I made to correct what I had done, I still lost the woman I love.
TO BE CONTINUED...
